The Value of Chemistry

By WiseWoman

Main Entry: chem·is·try
Pronunciation: 'ke-m&-strE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -tries
Date: 1646
1 : a strong mutual attraction, attachment, or sympathy <they have a
special chemistry>

Are you questioning the validity of chemistry and it's value to your next potential relationship? Do you believe that you cannot have a successful long term, physical/sexual/emotional relationship with a person with whom you have NO chemistry?

Well a lot of us are asking these questions, and we want to know what it is about this dynamic that is so incredibly powerful and important to our achieving what we wish to achieve, with our personal ads that might attract the love of our life!

As we all know, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you finally find your prince(ss) especially with online dating as your ticket to the vast and never ending supply of opportunities. Online dating makes this abundantly clear, as we pick through the personal ads, trying our best to weed out what options are available to us from this venue.

But one of the things that make many successful in their abilities to reach out and grab someone to actually take the action to respond, is chemistry. While you might feel a strong synergy while reading the words the person has written, the bottom line to knowing if you are romantically cohesive all boils down to meeting face to face, and experiencing the energetic attraction you have or not.

We usually know within seconds of meeting someone, if we are romantically and/or sexually attracted. Personally, I can't be romantically involved with someone with whom my energy is not in sync The initial person-to-person contact is what generates this chemistry (no matter what has transpired beforehand) and is what propels us to or repels us from wanting to share more time with this person, to see if
we might have what it takes to progress into some sort of romance.

It doesn't seem to matter that they meet all the criteria we set out to find, if we don't have that magical connection. How many times have you heard, "We just don't have any chemistry." Often, it only works one way, where the man is attracted but the woman is not or vice versa. What is it about chemistry that is so illusive? And, we all know, it has nothing whatsoever to do with good looks, material well-being, or many of the other things that we state in our ads that are minimum requirements to attract Mr. or Ms. Right!

We each have a certain "look" that we are naturally attracted to; certain race(s), age group(s), body size(s) or hair color(s). Many times if the person does not fall within these perimeters, it simply doesn't matter how wonderful they are, how rich they are, how talented they are, or what size appendages they have. If they don't pass the acid test of chemical attraction, they are rejected altogether.

And there are so many other factors involved that could make or break the deal. What if he wears an aftershave or cologne that reminds you of someone in the past that you were hurt by, or what if she has an obnoxious laugh that embarrasses you, or what if they have a nervous twitch or looks at every backside that meanders by? All of these things can be a factor, when we determine our basic attraction. There is no one thing that we can pinpoint when we have made our determination.

But for me, going with my initial gut instinct is usually the winning result.

So what do you do if you find a person who, for all intents and purposes, matches all of your criteria, but you don't feel the chemistry with? Well, I don't think there is anything you can do except move on to the next. If you don't find someone who triggers that brain chemical in you that makes you feel "special" when you
think of them, or are with them, what is the point?

I think that, in the long run, your initial instincts about this person not being a match, was the best gift the universe could give you. So if someone has rejected you because of lack of chemistry, thank the gods for this, because it's a clue that they weren't meant for you!

Too many times we create in our minds, a scenario of perfection before we even meet face to face. Chatting online, perhaps on the phone, or seeing them on a web cam helps to bring things into perspective but as I have mentioned in my other articles, this "nebulous zone" as I have called it, gets us into serious trouble, not to mention the pain caused to the other person when after meeting, there is no chemistry, and
we have to back peddle, lie or otherwise get out of what we thought was going to be a torrid romance.

We must offer a disclaimer saying that our meeting in person is to be the determining factor, so that we offer an "out," in case the chemistry just isn't conducive.

The flip side of this chemistry thing is also an enigma to me. Just because you find someone with chemistry, does not mean that you two can live out a long-term relationship in harmony and bliss! Those people on the personal ads sites who have experienced one or more failed relationships, and are hopefully seeking their last
hurrah, are well aware of this "chemistry" dynamic.

You know that for sure and for certain you had wonderful chemistry with each and
every person you have given your heart to in the past, but now you might be wondering how important having chemistry actually is. How long into the relationship does the chemistry factor remain criteria for maintaining the romance?

I offer a solution to this query. I think chemistry is indeed a gauge for our psyches to give us the signal we need, in our hearts, to go forward with this person if all the other criteria comes close to being met, as we need it to do. I don't think that we can have a heart-connected romance with a person with whom we have no chemistry. I don't think we can allow ourselves to get emotionally involved with someone who is not energetically symbiotic. Whereas we can engage in non-emotional physical sexual relationships without chemistry involved, I think emotional sex requires chemistry.

I further suggest that, once we have made the choice to love the person, we can
embellish this. The brain produces chemicals, which have a lot of clinical names, but mean that we "feel" a certain way when something happens to us. When you are attuned to another person's energy chemically, your brain emits a chemical like serotonin, which boosts your feeling of well being. When you find someone who can
produce this feeling in you, you positively glow with joy.

If you can see chemistry as a gauge to help you determine whether to give your heart, and then maintain awareness of it as you gasp in delight when you think about your chosen one, realizing that it brings a smile to your face, and a stirring in your groin, you will appreciate the power and necessity of chemistry as being a very valuable dynamic to determining and maintaining the success of your romantic well being.

© 2003 Tami Fox. All rights reserved.